What is your Perfect Major?

It seems I have a job!

I was supposed to go spend several hours with the woman I interviewed with last Friday, to get to know her and her better - and to meet her husband. Originally I was going to spend 3 - 8 with them, but then at 1:40 she called me, a bit stressed out because the is not behaving in his usual, easygoing manner. So they got their doctor to squeeze him in for a 4:00 appointment, her husband had to come home early so she could even get dressed herself… so I hurried and went over early.

I really like this couple. They have a very good bond with each other, from what I could tell (which is shockingly rare in this city, it seems) and they are nervous, but not over the top basket cases. In general, they seem to be fairly easygoing people who are just adjusting to a first with no previous experience around infants. It’s clear that their son is their number one priority, which matters to me.

So, she said to the , Remember Mae? She’s going to take care of you! and she told me what the hours will be (three full days, one day that might be a full day or a half day and no Fridays, woohoo!). I am guessing she has no problems paying me the $90 a day, because she asked in an email and the subject didn’t come up. I think if I end up working a half-day, I’d give her a break on those days, and instead of going $45, I’d only ask for $35… but we’ll see what comes up when I see her Monday. I’m going to spend the full day with her, from 8 - 5, to see how their routine works. She’s also going to take advantage of my presence to pack for their upcoming trip to Florida.

The bad news is… I got summoned to jury duty, and it’s supposed to start the day before the live sex shows job with her will. I can’t postpone, because I postponed once and then was sick the last time. I’m going to have to go down there in advance of the start date, with a letter from her stating that she’s returning to work and I’m starting to care for her child March 1st, and then I have to hope they grant me a postponement for whenever she will be on vacation (she mentioned July). I can’t afford to lose this job over stupid jury duty (and yes, I know it’s my civic duty… I also know that last time I sat there for two days, never got called and was excused from a 3rd day because it was so slow - at least we make $40 a day here).

Still, I’m very excited. I think she’d like me to go on Tuesday, too… but I have to prepare for the delivery of our new mattress on Wednesday, so I think I’ll have to tell her Tuesday doesn’t work (I told her I wasn’t sure). I’ll see how much I get done over the weekend, I guess, and base it on that. Oh, crap… I just realized that I have a doctor’s appointment that day anyway, so it definitely won’t work.

She still hasn’t even checked my references, which is good in a way because she’ll probably just like me more once she talks to them… though it’s a bit weird, in a way, that she’s ready to hire me beforehand. I guess it’s not shocking, because if they didn’t check out, she’d be able to just tell me no, and I had daycares hire me without ever checking my references.

So, that’s the news over here. I’m very happy, and we’re going to my in-laws tomorrow, and now we can tell them (his mother and aunt didn’t even know I was looking). I hate the idea of them thinking I’m just sitting on my ass. His father did know, though, and his father actually was surprised that I’d bothered to start since we hoped to move… but that was in like November, so I could’ve been working all this time, had I found something.

Now I feel bad, though… now I’m worried he’ll find something right away, and then I’ll have to let her down soon. I don’t want that. As much as I want out of here, now I sort of hope I’m here at least a full month after she hires me before he gets something… it would be horrible to start a job and have to tell her only a couple of weeks later I had to leave.

There are some things cooking in that area. A possible business venture neither of us could’ve anticipated… we’ll see if anything comes of it, but if it did, he’d be working from home and we could live anywhere. It’s an interesting prospect, and it would probably take several months to get it to the point where we’d be able to move, so that would be good. We’d know it was coming, so the pressure of being in limbo would be gone, and I’d be able to give a proper amount of notice to the family before leaving them.

Hopefully, it will all work out in the best possible way… but whatever happens, at least for now, it seems I have a job - and the time off before it starts to visit my sister and watch all the Olympics I want - and be home on my 30th birthday! Woohoo. I’m pretty happy right now!

The Weekend Revelation…

I have spoken, in the past, about my evil Aunt Jane. Jane spent years tying me in knots, giving mixed Jasminelive messages. She put me on an absurdly strict diet, and made me very much aware of it… she blamed my father for my weight problem, since he’s fat, too. She’d continue to do, if I bothered to consult her on such matters, while refusing to realize that if I’m looking to blame the past, she’s as much responsible as he is.

She claims he taught me to scarf my food, because if I didn’t eat it fast, he’d take it off my plate. Though I was very young, I do remember this. More, I remember him eating the leftover cookie we’d left for Santa (they were “special” in some fashion, and Santa had “saved” me some). Or eating my Halloween candy. Or all but the ears of my chocolate Easter Bunny. All of that indicates that food was very much a focal point of my young life… I was only five when my parents split up, and these memories pre-date that, some by a year or more.

When I was three, I took a package of cold hot dogs out of the fridge. I am not sure where my mother was, but my father was at work. I ate some hot dog (maybe all of one, maybe more, I don’t recall). I then hid the package under the cabinet in a pot. My memory of this is very vague, but it’s a true memory - not something I recall from being told the story. I don’t know if my mother would even remember the horror of discovering those hot dogs, but I vaguely recall that part, too… she wasn’t exactly overjoyed.

This behavior of eating in secret did not stop there. My grandmother and aunt tell a story I don’t really remember, from when I was four. There were powdered donuts on the counter, and I’d asked for one. My grandmother had told me no - I believe it was nearly dinnertime. She went to the basement, and I supposedly ate several of the donuts. When she came back up, she knew immediately, and asked me where the donuts had gone. I told her the dog had taken them… problem was, there was powdered sugar all over my face that said otherwise. Jane was apparently there to witness this tale… I don’t doubt it’s true, though who knows if I actually ate “several” of the donuts.

I began to “sneak” (as Jane called it” food all the more frequently as I got older. This was part because she denied me things everyone else was having, and part just because… because I liked it, for some reason. I guess there was a component of whether or not I’d get away with it, when it happened while I was living with them. I usually didn’t, and even was accused at times I was innocent. In fact, Jane actually framed me a couple of times (she framed my little brother, too, in different ways). She created a “food sneak” theme song for me (and we wonder why I’m so fucked up? I was all of nine or ten!).

When I was back living with my mother, I had the chance to eat whatever I wanted for the first time in years. That lasted until they got frustrated by how much I’d eat. She and her fiancé put locks on the pantry, fridge and freezer. If I were home alone, or if she was at work, I couldn’t go into them. Nothing was more wonderful than coming home to find one of those locks accidentally left open… and can you imagine the shame? Now, granted, I wasn’t the only problem. My brother could eat a lot, too… but it was made clear that I was the principle reason for this happening. I think it was his idea, and despite the seemingly vicious tactic, I think he meant well. He didn’t like to supervise us when my mother was at work, preferring to spend his time in their room, watching his TV. He felt bad that I was getting heavy, and was concerned. Given his own messed up life, I don’t think it ever occurred to him that this sort of solution might be cruel or might screw with my head… he wasn’t intentionally evil, like Jane.

However, John’s actions, no matter how well intentioned, only added to my food issues. Jane had taken away all the pleasures of eating, but I’d found it by “sneaking” food… this began again. I’d eat whenever I could… I’d never really gotten over the secret eating, no matter how accepted it was for me to eat what I wanted. I was still prone to eat ice cream out of the carton when no one was looking. I’d hoard candy and take it to my room. Sure, I enjoyed eating with friends (and somehow managed to have skinny friends who could eat like there was no tomorrow without gaining an ounce - bitches!), and I even binged with friends. What teenage girl hasn’t, frankly? But it was the alone eating that continued…

It was made worse when John and my mother split up, and ensuing chaos sent my brother back to live with my grandparents. By then I was a teenager used to getting her own way, and though I was far from being a really *bad* kid, I didn’t like the idea of rules. I hadn’t had any since leaving their house several years before, and I liked my freedom. I also liked having my own room. So I stayed with my mother, who began working a 4 pm - closing shift as a bartender. That meant we saw next to none of each other. I didn’t like her very much at the time, so I was pretty much okay with that. She’d leave me money on the table, to go get McDonald’s or Burger King, neither exactly healthy choices… but I’d do even worse, and I’d go buy the most junk food I could with the amount left for me. I’d get ice cream, donuts, cookies, candy… in the winter, I’d even leave my ice cream outside my window - we had a flat roof, and it was only a few inches down from the window sill. I hid donuts in my bookcase cabinet. I rarely ate an actual meal. I wasn’t exactly eating in secret, because I was always alone, and my friend Toni used to come over sometimes and pig out with me on these awesome cookies called S’Mores. You could microwave them, and they’d melt like a s’more would…

At any rate, my weight ballooned, the behavior only worsened. When I went to live with my father, it was much harder to eat in secret. I was rarely alone. I still managed it, but less frequently… until we moved and my step-mother began the two month long process of leaving him, and suddenly I had more freedom. Then I was back to buying boxes of Little Debbie, and devouring them myself in one or two sittings. I could polish off a dozen donuts in a few hours. After a year with him, it was back to my mother, and back to it being much easier to eat alone. She wasn’t working, and actually used to tell her to go out at night so I could be alone. That was in part to talk on the phone (my bedroom was the dinning room, a gorgeous space, but with no actual door - I’d chosen to use it, though because the bedroom was tiny and ugly)… but it was more to be able to eat alone, without her there. I was a clepto at that point, I’m not proud to say. Usually, I stole makeup or hair stuff… but I began to steal candy and food from a local 7-11. To make it even more devious, I’d befriended the girl who worked there at night. I was just shy of 15, and she was about 23. She’d been fat once (hard to believe, as she was stick thin), and felt sorry for me, I think, knowing how it was to be a teenager. She totally trusted me in the store, which made stealing that much easier… but truth be told, I was so good, friends watching me, who knew I’d be doing it, wouldn’t catch me. It was winter, and everything went up my coat sleeve, or long sleeve top. In less than two months, I’d stolen so much candy they rearranged the candy section to be more visible by the clerks. I was actually proud of that… not of the food related part, of the stealing part.

I stole weird foods, too… like cheddar cheese sticks, or kielbasa. We had a tiny fridge, and there wasn’t ever any real food in the house. Apparently, by then, I sometimes wanted real food, assuming kielbasa even counts as “real” food. I’d eat the whole pound in one sitting. My friendship with Toni was on the outs at that point, and I didn’t have too many chaturbate friends. I’d stopped going to school by then, because the bus ride was so unpleasant. No one wanted me to sit with them, and I hated it. I’d have stopped going even sooner, but my father had switched to driving me. The bus ride home wasn’t an issue, because I could get there right away - and it wasn’t as crowded anyway, because there were several buses to accommodate after school activities… but you couldn’t have paid me to take that bus in the mornings.

Before long, the school intervened, and I ended up getting a full psychiatric evaluation. It was discovered I had an eating disorder (duh, I’d gained 150 pounds in less than a year - ya think?). She determined in-patient treatment was called for, and I spent seven weeks in a hospital, surrounded by anorexics and bulimics. In the entire time I was there, no one else had BED (binge eating disorder), and in fact, even I didn’t - it wasn’t a diagnosis yet then. I had bulimia, was the official word, with no purging (not from lack of trying - I just never managed to make myself sick). When you are 15, insecure, over 300 pounds and surrounded by anorexics talking about how fat they are, it’s very hard on your self-esteem. I actually envied the anorexics… I wished I could have such will-power. I used to joke to my friend Shannon that it was unfortunate we couldn’t switch for a while. I could fatten up her 5′7″, 87 pound body, and she could slim down my 5′5″ 325 pound body. Shannon was one of the girls I did not envy. It was clear she had a problem… she had reached the point of being obviously too-thin. Giana, a gorgeous 17 year-old was the main source of my envy. She was a straight A student, on the track team - your classic anorexic overachiever… she had amazing brown hair, and though at 5′9″ and 110 pounds, she was certainly too thin, she managed to not look it. She still looked healthy, which is primarily because in her case, they caught it in time. She was probably the least “sick” of all the anorexics.

Eventually, I came to realize that they didn’t look at me and think, oh wow, now that’s fat. Well, except for Vanessa, who was in her late 30s, and a very disturbed woman. She was fat-phobic to an extreme I’ve seen rarely, as though just by being near me, she might get fatter (not that she was fat at all). She was, unfortunately, my roommate when I got to Haven Wood, and my snoring was her excuse to get out of being my roommate. I really think that the fat was the real problem… she was put in with a fellow anorexic, and suddenly became a much happier person. Frankly, it might’ve done her good to live with a fat chick for a while, but that’s neither here nor there.

You’d think that seven weeks in Haven Wood might teach me that my secret eating problem was something I really needed to beat… yet, it never really came up. I mean, most binge eaters, whether bulimic, or a cracked anorexic or just a binge eater will binge in private. Group binges happen, but they are generally rare, and not the same as that private binge. So, in that sense it came up… but it wasn’t ever dealt with as a bigger part of the picture.

Enter this weekend… my husband and I have been struggling to get our eating back on track. Since he got a clean bill of health regarding his heart, he’s lost his motivation. It’s a hard time of year for him, too… he has SAD, and it causes him to go into hibernation mode, where he wants to eat and then sleep a lot. We were discussing our dilemma, and somehow I ended up sort of casually mentioning my secret eating. You see, I’ve been doing a lot of it lately. We began talking about it - he’d been slightly aware of it, as I’ve very casually mentioned it in the past… but he had no idea just how deep the trouble ran. I explained that even when I am “on” in terms of my eating, I “secret eat” and keep it from him. I’ll journal it, but I hide all evidence of it. So, for example, last Friday I went to McDonald’s. I had a reasonable meal, and journalled it. I was within all of my ranges that day… but I made sure he wouldn’t see that I’d gone to McDonald’s when he got home.

Saturday, when we were discussing this, I’d stashed three single-serve Valentine’s Day candies in my fridge, in a place I know he wouldn’t look. I planned to eat all but one in the kitchen, or when he was in the shower… the one I planned to let him see me eat was something he doesn’t like. My justification for this sort of behavior has always been that I’m actually protecting him… he doesn’t really allow himself to indulge when he’s “on”, because to him, it’s not worth it. I do, because for me, it’s the only way to stay “on”. If I feel deprived, all hell breaks loose. I need to be allowed to have what I want, and then I can choose to not have it (and often will). So, it seemed unfair for him to see me eat stuff, like I’d be torturing him…

Anyway, this post has already become quite long, but I felt that the background was critical in helping myself (and you!) to better understand this behavior… what I never realized, what I guess I learned this weekend, is that the real problem with the secret eating isn’t the obvious, careening wildly off track secret eating… it’s the secret food I eat and work into my daily plan that I believe is the major issue. Allowing that behavior to exist at all leads to those aforementioned bingefests, or so I now believe. I was aware of my secret eating behaviors. I wasn’t aware, until Saturday, that I was doing this even when I wasn’t binge eating… and I can’t believe it took me so many years to realize.

My husband thinks this is the “key”, that I’ve found my “it”… I hesitate to think that way, but I have to say, this is a very, very big deal. This revelation really helps me to understand why I’ve failed so much all these years. The reality is, I’ve been relatively able to maintain my weight, with some ups and downs, for the past five years… and before that, my weight had been relatively stable for about as long, with some slightly bigger fluctuations. As an adult, my bingeing problems hadn’t been anything like the ones I experienced as a teen, and I’d long thought I was “better”. Not “cured”, because as I learned at Fair Haven, there is no cure… but I really thought I was better. Now I realize that keeping my weight somewhat stable, and not bingeing often doesn’t necessarily equal “better” - not at all.

I am still analyzing the purpose of this behavior. I don’t understand it, 100%. I think in part, it’s that it’s illicit… with all I went through with Jane and the locked pantries, illicit eating became a big part of my life. It became a secret I had, something no one could take away from me, despite their best efforts… I absolutely, when looking at all I’ve just remembered, think this plays a role in it. I do not think it’s that clear cut, however. I hope that, in stopping the behavior, I will be able to figure out what I was getting from it. I realized Sunday, while in the grocery store for the first time since deciding that I’d share my journal with my husband every night and not hide what I eat from him, just how major this was… I stood there looking at stuff, thinking about how it felt so strongly like I’d given something up. I suppose I have, but I know it’s something I don’t want anymore… whatever I needed from this behavior, I can find in some other way.

Now to figure out what that is, and how better to get it.

I know that if I do not stop and understand this behavior, I will not beat my scale battles. I know that even having WLS wouldn’t fix this problem, and that’s all the more reason I don’t feel it’s the answer for me, and all the more reason to figure out what I need to do to move forward from here. I’ve had two excellent days so far, since we had that discussion Sunday. Though I feel the “loss” of my secret eating, I don’t miss it… but I know, well enough, that this could change at any moment, and I need to be on guard, I need to be strong. It helps that I don’t like keeping secrets from my husband, and now that he knows about this, it will be much harder for me to do it… it helps that I have this forum, where I know I’m probably not the only one going through this kind of emotional challenge.

I am anxious. I am also more hopeful than I’ve been in years, that finally, maybe I’m getting somewhere with the emotional component in all this. It’s this behavior that I never identified in therapy… the thing that seemed so obvious, and yet I could not define, could not bring out of my psyche. They say knowing or admitting is half the battle… I’m not convinced of that, but it sure as hell is a gigantic first step. Perhaps I’m finally going in the right direction.

Stay tuned… I suspect things are about to get very interesting.

PS. We are getting a new mattress soon!!! Woohoo!!! We need one so badly, and I know that’s only going to help that much more with my sleep issues. Any mattress recommendations, anyone?

Awesome new product!

Okay, so I’ve tried three new products this weekend. One was really good, one was spit-it-the-fuck-out disgusting (and a dessert, *gasp*) and the final one was heavenly… so heavenly, I want to run out and get another.

Product number one:

A Taste of Thai’s Pad Thai noodles in a box

Okay, first off this product is just cool. It comes in an Asian take-out-esque box, with all the ingredients inside. You unpack them, put water in the box and cook it in the freakin’ box. Okay, so I’m easily amused. Anyway, just four minutes later we had surprisingly good Thai food as a side dish. It was pretty good on calories and fat, too… I think 240 for a cup and 2 grams of fat. The rest of the details I’d have to look up, but if anyone wants me to, let me know.

Moving on… the vile dessert was a Weight Watcher’s Smart Ones Key Lime Cheesecake. Now, frankly, Smart Ones doesn’t have the best record where cheesecake is concerned. Their NY style cheesecake is pretty vile, but the other one, the one that looks like a roll (strawberry, I think they call it French style), isn’t bad. It’s not real cheesecake, but it does in a pinch. It’s always a bit soggy, but I go into it knowing that. The key lime one is in the same roll shape, and oh, it was disgusting. Seriously, I took a small bite and almost immediately spit it out. I will often not finish something I dislike, but I can’t remember the last time something so repulsed me I spit it out… and I’ve been waiting a year for those darn things to make it to NYC. Bummer.

Now for the amazing, delicious product… Lean Cuisine has these new Panini sandwiches you microwave. I’d tried the beef & cheddar one, and was mostly impressed - but forgot I hate caramelized onions. Still, my hub ate it, and he’s a very picky man - so that’s saying something. However, today I tried the Chicken Club version, and oh… *drool*. It’s on sourdough, with cheese and bacon crumbles and some sort of tangy ranch dressing/sauce. It’s amazing. The bread was fabulous, very crispy (but don’t over nuke, like I did, or you’ll get hard crusts - tasty, but hard). The cheese didn’t melt the way I wish it had, but I solved that by adding a slice of Kraft 2% American while it was still nice and hot. It is a bit steep on calories and fat - 320 and 9 grams (4 sat fat)… but it was so filling, it was worth it. For those more slender, it would probably be a very filling dinner if enhanced by a nice garden salad or some veggies of another sort. I am fairly picky these days with frozen meals, and though there are some I like a lot, it’s rare I find one I am eager to eat again, right away. I seriously wanna go get me another of these to eat for dinner. The price is a bit steep (was over $4 here), but then again, frozen dinners are generally pricey here… and sales are rare, but for those with stores that have great sales, stock up when you can - and send me some in dry ice, ! Just kidding. Except about how tasty this was.

Okay, disclaimer here… I am sure there are some of you who like Lean Cuisine’s chicken carbonara (oh, I just remembered - that’s the last food I spit out). I think it’s vile. My point being, just because I like it doesn’t mean you will… and I know you all know that, but I had to point it out, lest someone rant at me for wasting four of their precious, hard earned buckaroos.

Now, to other matters… this weekend wasn’t just a revelation in the new product front. I had a major, very serious personal revelation that I am eager to share with you all. I want the chance to sort it out more in writing, and I want to see some other people’s thoughts… I’m probably not alone on this issue.

However, I have a wicked headache (I think from having waited too long to eat, followed by staring at this screen). I don’t want to write this when I can’t concentrate and really flesh it out, because it’s a doozy, and an issue that I think might just make or break my weight loss success. So, hang on tight, and give me a day to get over this headache. I expect writing this up will be at the top of tomorrow’s agenda.

That’s all for now… I feel like a soap opera. I think I just left ya’ll with a major cliff-hanger. Mmm… maybe I should save it for February sweeps!

Hopeful…

Well, I did journal yesterday… I almost didn’t, just out of laziness. I’d remembered everything I ate, and then I remembered how I said out here, which is almost like a promise to myself that I make sort of public, that I would… so I did.

The interview went very well. I really liked the woman, and her seemed very easygoing (he’s only a little guy, just 9 weeks old). She clearly would rather be home with her child, and he is definitely her number 1 priority. She’s not looking for someone who will be a nanny and a housekeeper - she just wants her child cared for. In fact, she told me if she came home and the entire house was a disaster area, but he was happy, she’d be thrilled. Of course, I have no intentions of turning her home into a disaster area, and an infant isn’t going to make much of a mess during the day. As I told her, I have no problem cleaning up after the I am caring for… I just resent that some people want sitters who run all their random errands, like shopping and clean and even cook. Besides, I have found a lot of those people don’t pay what they ought to for all those tasks. Anyway, I’m not a good housekeeper at home (something I really need to work on, and I hope the sleeping stuff will help), and I’m not about to be someone else’s.

She was really nice, very relaxed and easy to talk to. She didn’t do that typical double take at my size when she opened the door, which was a bonus. Most people get over the initial shock, and though it pains me to say so, I understand it. No one expects to open their door to someone who’s over 300 pounds. It’s the ones who don’t see past that who bug me, like the woman I met a couple of weeks ago.

I was there for almost two hours, and she told me she liked me best out of the people she’s interviewed. We seemed to click… she’s a bit kooky, but seemingly not in a bad way (you never know). She doesn’t seem flaky, and is completely reasonable in what she wants. I’m going back Friday to spend some time with her and her son, and to meet her husband when he gets home from work.

They won’t need me to start until March. She goes back to work then. Right now, there’s a chance a family member is going to take care of the three days a week, at a much lower rate than she’d pay me. I told her that’s fine, provided I’m going to get at least 20 hours a week, and she was fine with that… however, she thinks the family member may be planning to back out on her anyway, so she’s looking for someone who is willing to work full-time if that’s what she needs. That would be fine by me. They don’t need me there terribly early… she has to leave very early, but her husband right now leaves around 8 am. He’s looking for a new job, but they want him to get the same hours or an even later start time, so he has some morning time with his son. She feels strongly about that, so I’d likely never need to be there before 8 am. Fine by me, since I am not a morning person! She leaves work at 4 pm, and says she’ll probably be home before 5 pm most days, but to be on the safe side, I should expect to be there until 5. I’m okay with that, too. I’d still get home by 5:30-ish, right around when my husband usually does.

She is also trying to arrange to work from home one day a week. It seems her boss is going to go for it, but it might be a consistent day - it might change weekly. She’d still want me to come, so she could get some work done without feeling like she was pushing her son to the side (see why I like her?), but she’d probably have me come say 10 - 2, as opposed to the usual time. Also, her sister is a teacher and has said she would like to take him one day a week in the summer… so, there will be plenty of work, but it might vary from week to week. She told me if they go away, she’d pay me for the minimum two days (which is fine, as I’ve never had a sitting job where they paid me when they went away).

I really, really would like this job. I want to see how next Friday goes, to see if we click as well then… but I especially liked her hospitality. She immediately offered me a drink, she offered me cookies (which I declined, with a teensy bit of regret - it was a lot easier with the little guy around!). She even had my favorite beverage, Diet Snapple Ice Tea (okay, so it was lemon and not peach or raspberry, but I was still thrilled). No one has ever offered me anything during an interview. She even gave me the tour of their apartment (which didn’t take very long, as it’s quite tiny and crowded!).

She said she has no problem with her nanny watching TV or reading when the is asleep, because since she’s been home with him all this time, she knows he sleeps a good bit during the day. She just wants someone who will play with him, read to him, take him outside, etc. She had someone come in for the day (btw, she’s paying me for that), and she ended up sending her home after a few hours (with full pay, which I thought was very nice) because she said, I knew he’d always be clean, fed and generally well cared for, but she clearly wasn’t interested in interacted with him. She kept putting him from place to the next: the swing, the bouncy seat, the stroller… that’s not what I want for my child. I really respected that, because so many of the nannies around here aren’t very interested in interacting with the . It’s clear when you see them at the parks - they’d rather talk to each other! Of course, so many of the parents aren’t interested in interacting with their , so I guess that’s why these nannies have jobs. The aren’t being mistreated… just not given all that they deserve!

So… I’m cautiously hopeful on this one. I’m trying to keep my feet on the ground, because I don’t want to get too excited about something that might not happen. The only down moment of the interview came when she mentioned a time frame for keeping the job… she said is a year reasonable? I answered her yes, but explained several reasons I wouldn’t want to sign a contract (while making it clear I didn’t think she wanted one, because I didn’t), and she couldn’t believe people would want one. She knows my husband is job searching, and said something about, well, if your husband’s looking for jobs in say, Europe… I sort of dodged the question, but told her that I couldn’t rule out that he could be offered a dream job at some point. and that if it were in another state, we’d go, since he’s the one who went to grad school, and he’s the one who will have the “career” - but I felt so incredibly guilty. My husband feels I handled it very well… that I covered my bases without coming right out and saying, well we hope to get the hell out of here ASAP, which of course would mean she wouldn’t hire me, no matter how much she liked me… and I can understand that. The reality is, we don’t know when we’ll get out of here. I sure as hell hope it’s not another year, but it could be months. There’s no immediate prospect on the horizon, so for now we seem to be moving forward in this limbo… and I can’t keep putting off getting a job because I feel guilty that we might move soon. I’ve been doing that since October, when I had a couple of promising leads on sitting jobs, but turned them down because of the move I was so sure would happen before year’s end.

I think I made it as clear as possible that we’re willing to move, if he finds the right job… that’s entirely true. I just let her believe he might take something in NYC, too… but I never outright said he was looking here, so I didn’t lie, exactly. I evaded. I still feel bad about it, but I need a job, and I think I’m better equipped to handle one infant in a private setting right now… besides, I like the idea of that better anyway. I’d do it when we move, except that I’d have a hard time meeting people if I did.

Back to my eating… I’m am not steady at all. I was on yesterday, but I could just as easily be off today. I’m precariously on at best. I’m trying to keep focused, to remember my goals and dreams… but I’m feeling so shitty (my sister had a throat infection, unbeknownst to me when I was there Thursday - now I fear I’ve caught it!), both physically and emotionally. It’s making it that much more challenging. I’m fighting it… I’m determined to journal. That’s my number 1 priority now. If I am journaling, I eat less. I need to get back into the habit of regularly writing it all down, because that’s the key to my success, really.

Well, that’s all from here… have a great weekend everyone!

An embarrassing problem & an interview

I have another interview this afternoon. Cross your fingers for me, because this could be perfect. It’s for a family that has an almost 9 week-old boy. Mom goes back to work in the beginning of March, so I’m not sure if she’ll need more hours then, but as of right now it stands at 2 days/week for about 8 - 9 hrs/day. It would pay $180/week for those hours/days. I guess she might just be going back part-time, so I’ll have to find out when I meet her later. She sounded young and nice on the phone… she lives in my general neighborhood, too, which is nice. It’s walking distance in warmer/nice weather.

The reality is, with how crappy I’ve felt lately, I’ve wondered if something full-time is even right for me now. However, we really could use the extra cash… we’re getting by, but it’s hard to save and we need to do that for all the obvious reasons, but also for the move we hope to make soon. Besides, my student loans come out of their grace period in the middle of March, and making even $180 a week will cover my monthly payments. I’d really like to at least be making money to help pay those off. While I know my husband is wonderful, and doesn’t look at that as MY debt, it is because of me… so I’d like to be able to help pay it off. Particularly now, because once we have I won’t be working (well, not for cash, anyway - I’ll be working for hugs, hehe) and it will have to be “our” debt!

I am struggling again with my eating. Last week was fairly good, great even, until Friday night. Then Saturday, Sunday, Monday were all disastrous. Tuesday was okay, Wednesday was awful, and yesterday was also awful… I just don’t know what my problem is. I feel so scattered, like I have no clear focus, despite the clear goals I have. This makes it very hard to accomplish anything - not just in the weight loss/healthy living arena, but even in day to day life. I’ve been told and have read that this scattered, distracted feeling is very common among those with sleep apnea… and that treatment often rectifies the problem in mere weeks.

Here’s hoping.

My sleep consult is next week, on Thursday. I’m actually excited, though still very apprehensive… one of my big concerns now is whether or not there is a bathroom in the room. My ENT did a sleep study and filmed himself arriving and getting hooked up to all of the equipment (he did this, btw, so he could know what it actually felt like - though my hub is a skeptic and doesn’t believe the man stayed the night, heh). It takes up to 45 min. to hook all the stuff up!!! I couldn’t believe how much stuff was attached to him! Anyway, I digress… I need a private bathroom because I need a private sink and mirror. With my PCOS comes facial hair issues. Mine is not as bad as I’ve heard it can be, by any means, but I have to shave at least twice a day, often three times a day. It is a big problem for me to be in a situation for more than five hours or so, because by the end of that time, I’m extremely self-conscious and afraid that my “shadow” has become really obvious. The reality is, even when the skin feels smooth, I’m not without some degree of “shadow” anyway… damn, I hate talking about this. It is, far and away, the worst daily part of PCOS. Of course, the fertility issues are a big concern to me, but frankly, from all I’ve read and heard, they are often more easily treated.

I began shaving when I was in high school. I didn’t really need to, but my then idiot-boyfriend teased me about the darker hair I had, and finally it got to me. I shaved it. Big mistake. Shaving may not actually make hair thicker, darker or coarser (though it does seem to), but it does cause ingrowns, which result in a definite appearance of it being darker. Plus, it’s very damaging to the skin… back then, I shaved once a week or so. By the end of high school, it was every couple of days, then I realized I really needed to do it every morning. In my 20s, my stupid uncle (who was drunk at the time), said something about my “beard” and I realized I needed to do it twice a day… then I met my husband, and became paranoid about him finding out. Of course, that was something I’d worried about for years by then… who would ever love a woman who had to shave, like she had a beard? This isn’t a little extra hair on the lip, or a few stray hairs (oddly enough my lip hair isn’t a huge problem, I use one of those Gentle Touch razor-esque jobbies on it a couple of times a month and it’s fine). This is a lot of hair, like a beard. I don’t think I’d actually get a beard, but I’d certainly get much more than a five o’clock shadow if I didn’t shave for a few days. That’s why I can’t wax it… I’d have to let it grow in enough, and that would mean hiding from even my husband. Oh, back to that… sorry, got lost in the details again…

It finally came up, one night in the dark. We were cuddling, and he very gently asked, while touching my chin, if there was something that could be done about it. He didn’t have an issue with the idea of the hair itself, but the stubble wasn’t exactly a big turn on… which I understand, believe me. Of course, that meant I was shaving even more often… however, he did introduce me to the Mach 3 razor blade, which made a huge difference. Then I was using the Quattro, now I’ve just bought the new Fusion… the blades for these razors cost a good bit, but I have to have the best razors possible. It’s not something I consider optional.

Back to the original dilemma… while I have shaved, using bottled water, in public bathroom stalls, it’s not the optimal set up. I often had issues at school on the days that I had a lot of classes. I always made sure my hair was clean, so I could hide behind it. Then I found a handicapped bathroom with its own private sink, and I would go there to shave between classes. I think I make a bigger deal out of it from a visual perspective than I need to… but for example… my favorite wedding picture of myself is a relative close-up. My hair is blowing in the wind, and it’s not a face-on shot… it’s sort of from a side-angle, but not a true profile. Anyway, not only is it my favorite wedding pic, it’s the best picture of me ever taken. I do not, generally speaking, photograph well. So I was delighted by this pic, and it was one of the ones I blew up to an 8 x 10… and that’s when I realized the hair shadow was very much apparent. My husband couldn’t understand what my problem was with the big version, and I was afraid to tell him. I was afraid he’d say that he could see it all the time and was just used to it. While I very, very much appreciate being loved for who I am, and not what I look like, it’s very, very hard to deal with the emotional angst the facial hair issue causes. Oh, and for the record, I’m not an ugly person (haha) - despite the hair issue and my weight, I actually do live up the the “such a pretty face” comments that gave my site it’s name. However, nothing makes me feel less feminine and pretty than having to shave your face like a man would, with a razor designed for men, using shaving cream also designed for men (the stuff for women is not designed for facial skin, and irritates the crap out of my face)… seriously, I feel prettier staring at my back fat (and I am not fond of my back fat at all). So, you can see why I might want a private bathroom, or at least a private sink… I’m almost certainly going to need to shave twice while I am there, especially given the close proximity they will need to have to apply and remove the sensors on my head. I won’t be able to hide behind my hair for this one. I’m prepared to have to do it in a bathroom stall… but I’m really hoping that won’t be necessary.

It’s always something, right? This isn’t the end of the world, and it’s something I’m used to dealing with… I just don’t like to deal with it in these sort of situations. At home, it’s routine, and I can deal with it without feeling too freakish. It’s when I have to deal with it in an unfamiliar setting, or when on the go, that I am deeply affected by it. I only just recently confessed to my husband that this why we need to take rest stops after five or six hours of driving (because by then it’s usually been about eight hours since I shaved), especially if it’s light out. I have to go hide in a bathroom stall so I can shave. I was majorly relieved to discover I could fit in an airplane rest room, not so I can pee (though that’s a benefit), but because I had been shaving in bathroom stalls at the airports before and after a trip. It’s not the ideal scenario, ya know?

Okay, that’s enough embarrassing facial hair talk for one blog entry. I never intended for this entry to even be about that… I was just gonna casually mention it, but then it just began to pour out and I couldn’t stop it. Someday I hope to be able to do laser hair removal… that would be nice, if it worked.

Moving on… my interview is for 2 PM, and I am hopeful. It sounds like it could be the perfect job for me right now. Here’s hoping on that, too!

Now, I have to go eat. Today is going to be a better food day for me! I’m going to journal, damn it!