Welcome
29 days left of 29…
There’s the mundane stuff, like annoying insurance crap and the damn taste that’s repeating on me (which is sort of a badly flavored lemon drop taste). I hate when this taste issue happens. I’d blamed it on Diet Coke before I gave the stuff up (almost entirely - have one or two per month). Now I have no idea what causes it, but it makes me avoid citrus fruits all together, including tangerines and clementines which I love… but I digress. Still, my digression gives you a moment’s insight into the clutter in my brain.
So, there’s this not-all-serious-but-annoying stuff floating around in there… but then there’s the semi-serious stuff, like the fact that I can’t get over the whole damn Skye thing, or that I just decided to delete Kyra’s number from my phones this week. I don’t know what happened there, but she hasn’t called me since November, despite her text messages on New Year’s and Christmas, and I’m just tired of trying to chase her down. She has my email address (which is really easy to remember) and my number, and I figure if she wants to talk to me, she’ll call. All the same, this right on top of the whole damn Skye thing is not fun for me. I’m feeling very alone… then there’s Elisa, who I also know from school. She’s… well, she’s unique. She’s 23, dating someone 53 (with several older than she is) and she’s nice, smart… and yet, I’ve never been able to just be around her. Do you know what I mean? We had plenty in common, in terms of our educational interests and school… but outside of school, I found it hard to really talk to her. Plus, she does this incredibly annoying thing where she calls my cell, hangs up when she gets the voicemail and immediately calls right back. She’ll often go through that several times before leaving a message - if she leaves one at all. I hate that. Either call once and leave a message or hang up on my voicemail and try again later. Much later! Like at least an hour later! At any rate, Elisa has been trying to see me for a while, and I’ve either been busy or just not in the mood. Finally, I realized I’m complaining about not having any friends, maybe I shouldn’t be so damn picky… so last Sunday I made arrangements to see her Tuesday for lunch. She was supposed to call Monday to confirm. She never did. So I called her Wednesday, and I still haven’t heard from her. I have no idea where she went… it’s like she fell off the face of the earth. What is it with me and my female friends lately? Am I really so awful? Cuz I gotta say, when it’s just one, you don’t wonder so much… but when you have several just sort of drop out of your life without any real warning, it’s strange and disconcerting… and not really very good for the ego.
That brings me to the whole 30 thing. I’m afraid my family won’t remember. It wouldn’t be the first time, and I don’t know why it would bother me… but it does. So far, no one has asked me when or if we’re going out there for my birthday, which I find suspicious… I mean, 30 is kinda a big deal. It’s definitely one of the milestone birthdays. I’m okay with turning 30, I swear… I just wish I felt a little less alone in the whole thing.
My husband, of course, is his usual wonderful self. He’s already figured out what he wants to get me, but I’ve tried hard to make him swear he won’t buy me anything. I know he cares, that it matters to him… that’s enough. I’m not working and the whole money thing is on shaky ground at best after our dog’s surgery and Christmas. I mean, we’re hardly destitute, but we’re trying to save. Now isn’t the time for birthday gifts… especially since I’ve yet to find a job. Neither of the interviews I had last week amounted to anything. The daycare said it might be two weeks, but I don’t expect them to hire me… the woman I’d met last Thursday replaced her ad on craigslist, so I’m guessing she decided I’m not right for her family. It might be my address - some people in this stuck-up town want sitters who seem lower class than they are. The whole “hired-help” thing… but in her case, I don’t think so. Education mattered to her, so I think it’s more likely it’s my weight. She was obviously health-conscious… or maybe it’s just that I suck in an interview. I really don’t know. Her kid seemed to like me well enough…
Then there’s the whole sleep apnea insanity, which has stirred up this evil, nasty little voice that whispers, “you won’t lose weight until you sleep better anyway… why not pig out until this issue is resolved?” Of course, this is not true. I know this because last week I was 399.2 on my scale and this week I’m 396. Oh, and that’s with my decadent derailing debauchery this weekend. I don’t even have a good reason for it. I can’t blame it on a birthday, or an event. I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind, and I spent three days totally out of whack, and one day semi-whacked. It was not good. So, if I can lose over 3 pounds with that weekend (which admittedly may catch up to me later in the week), then I can surely lose weight even if I don’t sleep well most nights.
I saw my reproductive endocrinologist today. He’s very happy with my blood work up from the fall, and if I get the hypothyroidism under control, he’d be more than happy to help me get pregnant now. I explained to him that I need to get the sleeping issues sorted, because who wants to go into a pregnancy sleep-deprived already, and he said, it may be your body is getting ready. To which I laughed, but he then added, hey, it happens! - so I think he may have been semi-serious. The odd part of that is, when I started having sleeping problems coincides with when I began to long for a (and I didn’t even actually want one then, I mean, I wanted one someday, but not right then and there). Weird, and I’m sure it’s coincidental… but one thing is certain… I am a master at handling sleep-dep!
It’s nice to know there are fat-friendly doctors out there, who are willing to help overweight women get pregnant. I mean, he told me he had a woman my weight who had a successful, healthy pregnancy and he has no problems treating a patient, provided she has a regular ob/gyn willing to provide the basic care - that might be harder to find… but I don’t plan to be having my babies while living here anyway, so it’s all irrelevant. Besides, I want to feel better. It’s not about my weight for me, it’s about how I feel. If I’m 350, but feel like I used to at that weight, I’d be fine. When I worked with two-year olds and toddlers, and even in the infant room… so, while I know I need to lose weight, I also am more interested in just being healthier. The weight loss is only part of that.
The ENT I saw for the referral to the sleep clinic pushed WLS on me, and I have to say, there’s this part of me that’s starting to believe all these doctors who keep telling me it’s my “best” or “only” option. I don’t like that. I don’t want them to be right. I don’t want to give up, I don’t want this voice to be saying they’re right… if I start to buy that, I’m doomed. I need to remember that there are people, very, very overweight people, who do lose weight on their own. Sure, they may be few and far between, but they exist… and there are people who have the surgery and don’t adapt to the lifestyle and don’t lose nearly as much as they should, or who lose initially but then gain it all back because they go back to their old habits after not long.
At any rate, this is just a smattering of the stuff going through my head at the moment. I feel scattered, frustrated, stressed… there’s a bit of hopeful and a smidge of motivated, but mostly I feel… distracted.
I’m trying hard to sort through it all. I even considered returning to therapy, but although my therapist was cheap (sliding scale place), I don’t really want to go back now. I’ve been away for almost 2 years, and going back now would be like starting over. If I’m going back to therapy (and I suspect it’s inevitable eventually), I’d want to wait until we move, to start new with someone I can continue to see for a while… besides, I stopped seeing my therapist because I felt she’d taken me as far as she could. She was great, and we connected/clicked/whatever… but I think we’d run our course.
I need to get back to blogging on a regular basis. I’m just not sure anything I say right now even makes sense… all the same, it helps me to work it out, and the reality is, though I’m thrilled when people find my blog helpful, I began this as a selfish endeavor. It might not be so bad to remember that my blog is about me and what I need. I hope my readers will still enjoy it, because a readerless blog is pretty pointless… but at the end of the day, right now I just need a “safe haven”, someplace where I can just be me… someplace where I can vent all this BS filling my head.