What is your Perfect Major?

Trying to work through some kinks…

This weekend was a bit rough for me. I struggled to get through Friday, but did. Saturday and Sunday were a little different. Basically, I gave myself a couple of days to regroup. I didn’t journal, but also did not give into the urge to binge. I would say I likely overate, but it was more important for me to work through the emotional angles than worry about a perfect calorie count for those days.

This was hard for me to swallow. I’ve been so “on” for so long… in fact, I realized with no small amount of pride, that I’ve never had such an “on” streak before. Never not once. Since I started anew in October, I’ve been on a roll. In the past, I usually fall apart around week three. So I’d say, I nearly doubled those best efforts before having a mild meltdown. This is good.

Furthermore, I’m trying to see the meltdown itself as good. I mean, the reality is, I am likely to have food issues my entire life. If I hit a stride where I have an easy run of things, that’s awesome - but I still need to remember how to deal with life when I’m not on such an even keel, too. I may see a gain this week, but so be it… I’m back on track today - though I’ll admit I’m still dealing with a bit of an inner tug of war - and I feel more secure than I have for several days now. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I’m getting there. I think keeping it low-key, not overanalyzing or obsessing about my mental state helped this weekend. I refused to give into the urge to binge, but was flexible enough with myself to just… well, to just be.

I think, in my “on a roll” mindset, that I underestimated how difficult this time of year can be for those of us trying to not only lose weight, but just live healthier. I forgot, to some extent, just how many temptations I’d face between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. I’m lucky, in that since I’m not working and don’t have much of a social life, my obligations to attend parties and events are few. I don’t have to be in the thick of it as often as most people do this time of year.

The biggest challenge for me, is knowing when to indulge and when not to. I have to find creative ways to prevent the evil feelings of deprivation from settling in over my mood. There’s no bigger binge trigger for me. I know I’m not alone in that. Some people all “all or nothing”, meaning they need to be 100% “on track” all the time, or they blow up. I respect that, but know that is the worst possible line of thought for me. It’s exactly the opposite, which is why exclusionary diets never worked for me. I need to feel I have choices, that if I want chocolate, for example, I can have it - provided I make it work with my plan. I never would’ve thought it, but counting calories and fat grams and focusing on maintaining certain percentages of fat intake has really been the best way for me to lose weight. I feel I have the maximum amount of flexibility… and besides that, I’m following MY rules. I used guidelines to create them, true… but this is my plan, not Weight Watchers or Atkins or SugarBusters or anyone else’s idea. That’s been a powerful force for me, I think.

Given the realization that these next few weeks will be harder than I anticipated, I’m not aiming to lose any weight at all over the holidays. I’m just going to try very hard to maintain. If I lose, that’s great… but frankly, I’ve never gotten through this time of year without at least a five pound gain, so if I can just eliminate that, it’s progress.

For a while, I was feeling angry at myself for not journaling this weekend… but then I realized a few things. First of all, with where my head was, continuing to journal was going to add to my sense of emotional angst. I think it would’ve resulted in feelings of hostility and resentment, both of which are counterproductive to this process. Second, by stepping back and giving myself some emotional breathing room, I managed to get through three nights and two days of eating without bingeing - and Friday night I didn’t have much faith that I would make it. I was hanging on by a thread…

I did make it, though. If I gain as a result, I’m not going to be happy, of course… but regaining a sense of control was more important than this week’s numbers on the scale. I think that, by not journaling this weekend, I allowed myself to see that I’m running this show. I can be flexible, I can be relaxed and I can change the rules when I need to. I have that power. I may need to be prepared to face the consequences of any of those actions, but so be it. This is my life, my body, my mind. Only I can change it, only I can make it better… sure, the support I get from my husband is essential, but in the end, I’m the only one who can take action to make my goals reality.

I felt panic come rising to the surface this weekend, and I ignored it, more or less. I stuffed down the negative thoughts - without eating a whole pizza or a box of donuts - and still ate things I craved, like a reasonable amount of pizza and special Christmas chocolate (the Ghirardelli holiday collection - if you can have individually wrapped pieces of chocolate in your home, I highly recommend these!). I refused to let the “omigod I can’t do this, I’m fucking it all up, I’m losing control, I should give up until January” thoughts drag me down a road I know I don’t want to travel.

So, if at the end of this week, I suffer a gain on the scale, I’ll suck it up (and in!) and move on. It will be worth it, if the choices I made this weekend help to keep me in control over the next 20 days!